Just Some Thoughts

It's July 1st and summer is in full swing. I just returned from a vacation. It felt good to get away for a bit. I'm not sure what to write about really. I guess I just feel at a loss and I'd really like nothing more than to just talk with Mom and feel her little love pats. I just miss her so much.

Now that I've had a little bit of time to re-group I guess it's time to recalibrate. That's a loaded word and its meaning seems pretty vague to me but for what it's worth it describes where I'm at and how I'm needing to put things in perspective. It is helpful to get away and change the scenery for a bit. I was at a book store for a few hours while on vacation and I picked up a book about grief and how to cope with loss. It wasn't a manual or some how-to book. The book was more geared towards how to handle the first year's of loss and it's format was much like a daily devotional. I was tight on space packing wise so I wrote down the books title and author and hope to maybe pick it up in the near future.

There has been a lot of loss in my life over the last year. I think that's maybe why that word recalibrate seems to stick so well. I've had to tackle some real hard endings and beginnings both in vocation, relationships and now in grief and mourning with the passing of my Mom. This year has had many teachable moments and now it's time to put some of that education and experience in motion. This sabbatical of life has not just been a new perspective it's been more of new awakening of purpose and desire.

It's a rare opportunity when one has a chance like I have had over this year long journey to literally be submerged in the moment. Much like how an exchange student learns a new language. I didn't need a passport I just needed to be available and used. I'm so thankful I didn't miss the opportunity. I can actually finally look back on a season in my life and be grateful for not missing the moment. God literally had to turn my life upside down in order to grab my attention. If the cruise control had been set, I would have flown on by and missed the blessing God had for me. The detour sign that caught my attention was not pretty and the road that brought me to the intersection was very painful and ugly. However, it was at that intersection where my new journey would begin and little did I know how much God would want me to learn from my Mom in her final chapter of life.

What's on the pages of my own new chapter? Once again I'm brought back to the book of Philipians where I'm reminded to be anxious for nothing...I'm already praying that whatever I'm suposed to do or wherever I'm suposed to be doing it, I will take the dividend of this season and multiply it. I firmly believe that's what Mom meant by saying "Make every moment matter". I'm doing my best to lean into His own understanding.

I've struggled with this posting more so than others. Perhaps because of its vulnerability I'm not sure. Whatever the case maybe, I'm trying to process my grief and not deny it. Too often as a society we're told to be strong. Mom told me to be brave, not strong. There is a difference. I want to be brave and take on this next chapter of life. Thanks Mom for that amazing reminder to me. I had no idea what I would find myself writing about tonight. He knew and that's all that matters.