Just Some Thoughts

It's July 1st and summer is in full swing. I just returned from a vacation. It felt good to get away for a bit. I'm not sure what to write about really. I guess I just feel at a loss and I'd really like nothing more than to just talk with Mom and feel her little love pats. I just miss her so much.

Now that I've had a little bit of time to re-group I guess it's time to recalibrate. That's a loaded word and its meaning seems pretty vague to me but for what it's worth it describes where I'm at and how I'm needing to put things in perspective. It is helpful to get away and change the scenery for a bit. I was at a book store for a few hours while on vacation and I picked up a book about grief and how to cope with loss. It wasn't a manual or some how-to book. The book was more geared towards how to handle the first year's of loss and it's format was much like a daily devotional. I was tight on space packing wise so I wrote down the books title and author and hope to maybe pick it up in the near future.

There has been a lot of loss in my life over the last year. I think that's maybe why that word recalibrate seems to stick so well. I've had to tackle some real hard endings and beginnings both in vocation, relationships and now in grief and mourning with the passing of my Mom. This year has had many teachable moments and now it's time to put some of that education and experience in motion. This sabbatical of life has not just been a new perspective it's been more of new awakening of purpose and desire.

It's a rare opportunity when one has a chance like I have had over this year long journey to literally be submerged in the moment. Much like how an exchange student learns a new language. I didn't need a passport I just needed to be available and used. I'm so thankful I didn't miss the opportunity. I can actually finally look back on a season in my life and be grateful for not missing the moment. God literally had to turn my life upside down in order to grab my attention. If the cruise control had been set, I would have flown on by and missed the blessing God had for me. The detour sign that caught my attention was not pretty and the road that brought me to the intersection was very painful and ugly. However, it was at that intersection where my new journey would begin and little did I know how much God would want me to learn from my Mom in her final chapter of life.

What's on the pages of my own new chapter? Once again I'm brought back to the book of Philipians where I'm reminded to be anxious for nothing...I'm already praying that whatever I'm suposed to do or wherever I'm suposed to be doing it, I will take the dividend of this season and multiply it. I firmly believe that's what Mom meant by saying "Make every moment matter". I'm doing my best to lean into His own understanding.

I've struggled with this posting more so than others. Perhaps because of its vulnerability I'm not sure. Whatever the case maybe, I'm trying to process my grief and not deny it. Too often as a society we're told to be strong. Mom told me to be brave, not strong. There is a difference. I want to be brave and take on this next chapter of life. Thanks Mom for that amazing reminder to me. I had no idea what I would find myself writing about tonight. He knew and that's all that matters.

One Month Today...

I'm told over time things will get easier and I really hope that is the case. I never thought I could miss someone so much as I have missed mom. It's amazing to think she has now been gone for a month already. I went to the cemetery today and as I drove in the whole place was in the bright mid-morning sun...except for a little corner where mom and dad were. It was almost a little message to me from them saying come on over Rodney and rest in the shade. Come on over for a visit and let's catch up. I just chuckled to myself as I drove down to their plot. Their little space was the only place where the shade of the pine trees towered above casting a cool shadow of retreat. I took them up on their invite and took a little rest and just listened to the wind and paused as the birds orchestrated their songs from the neighboring woods.

I'm trying to learn a bit about the whole green thumb gift that mom had so strongly. I even put a little Miracle-Grow on the flowers that we set out last weekend. I really didn't have a clue what I was doing but the directions seemed pretty straight forward. I'm sure mom was laughing as I was studying the package.

I know that tomorrow is Father's Day and I'm grateful for the memories of my dad as well and all that he did in making my journey to this point in life possible. Mom and dad were quite the team together. In looking at mom and dad laying at rest with one another I was affirmed once again how at rest mom now is with all the health struggles and issues she faced. That night a month ago she departed us like soft whisper. Her departure could not have been more gentle. I think back to that night a month ago and I'm caught up in the amazement of mom's act of love. I'm so thankful dad on this Father's Day that you picked such a classy, spiritual women that I've had the pleasure and privilege of calling my mom.

I took a picture of my down time with mom and dad today. Thanks for the shade of rest mom and dad. Life needed a pause today and I couldn't have spent that time any better than taking comfort in your special place you had planned for me today. Thank you!

Your Echoes of Embrace are Everywhere

It's been now three weeks since you've been gone Mom. Everywhere I go and everything I do is filtered by your influence. I miss you so much. I hear your voice stir inside me, I feel your touch through the way I now journey through life. The little things are becoming more important and I'm seeing life through your eyes more so now than ever before.

Your teachable moments continue even with you not here. I think of you hourly mom. I guess the year of firsts start now. I'll miss not celebrating my birthday with you tomorrow. You know I've never been big on birthdays but you always seem to make that day special for me. I remember you gave me a pacemaker last year. WOW...what a gift you gave me because if anything that pacemaker was able to give us more time together and I wouldn't have traded the last year with you for the world. It's amazing to look back mom and see what cross roads we were at last year at this time. The whole dialysis thing was fairly new and little did we know what journey we were headed on. I am thankful for one thing mom, we won't be celebrating my birthday in the hospital like we did last year. Your celebrating in heaven where your pretty much partying all the time now. I'm so jealous.

Your echoes of embrace are everywhere. I miss you more than words can say or describe. If anything that pacemaker can do now is to help me understand and remember that in this pace of life make every moment matter. I'm still trying to do my best with that. I'm still trying to wrap my arms around your absence. Thank you for the simple reminders of your love in my life even though your not here to physically and verbally share them. Thank you for the life you've given me mom. I will do my best to try and celebrate that on my birthday. Your so amazing! You will be with me tomorrow like your are everyday. Thank you God for the gift of such an amazing mom.

Photo Tribute For Mom

Here is the photo tribute from Mom's celebration service on Sunday May 20th 2007. In the box below click the play button to view video.

WELCOME HOME MOM !

Mom went home peacefuly on Wednesday evening with her entire family by her side ushering her into the gates of heaven. It was exactly fourteen years ago to the day that her husband Leigh took the same journey to heaven. Mom was more of a romantic than I realized. Dad, Mom had this surprise for you all along we just didn't know it until tonight. WELCOME HOME MOM ! You will be sadly missed but you'll be with us in our hearts forever.

Thank You!

Thank you for your continued love and prayers during this time. Mom woke up and was alert and very present with us for over two hours last night. This was truly a miracle and gift that our family experienced last night. Thank you so much Mom for that. Last night's two hour window of time will be a memory I will keep for the rest of my life. We're not sure at this point if Mom will be responsive again and able to know our presence but either way she has just been amazing. We are reading your stories and memories to Mom and I'm sure she is hearing your thoughts and is feeling your embrace. Thank You! Here is one of Mom's favorite readings that can be found on one of her coffee mugs. She read to us at the breakfast table just last week and I thought it was appropriate to share. I'm sure this is her sentiments to you all. Pictured above is mom and me holding hands at her bedside.

It isn't wise to count your friends on a sunny day,
when the sky is blue and smiles come by the bushel...
Instead wait for the storm,
when the clouds roll in and the day grows dark,
and laughter's scarce...
Whoever stands by you then deserves the name "friend"

Thank you, my friends, for braving the storms with me,
and for making the sunny days a little brighter...

-Linda Lee Elrod

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